Friendships

Do you know what depresses me? Of course you don't - you don't live in my head. What really depresses me is how easy it is to end up in the "real world" and leave your social life behind. I had a similar situation in college where I didn't hang out with a large group of people, but I had close friends that I spent most of my time with. For me, those close friends happened to be my roommates. Having roommates doesn't automatically create or stabilize friendships, but I had some of the most amazing experiences in college by hanging out with them. They were my rocks - the people that would listen to me at 10 p.m. when I'm stressed out, would share dinner with me, would have meaningful conversations for an hour that turn into ridiculous giggle-fits. I miss that.

School really holds people together. You tend to make friends from taking classes and participating in activities. They are always there, even if you take a different course the next year or semester. You'll see them on campus, at dinner, etc.

Now that I'm out and about in the "real world" there are no more classes and, in a terribly harsh reality, less friendship.

I never realized how much effort it can take to keep in touch with friends so they stay a constant friend in your life.

Those roommate rocks that I had were fabulous people that I rarely see. The friends I made from classes are doing their own adult thing or are still finishing up school.

I spend my days, weeks, and sometimes even months talking to my mother, boyfriend, and the people I need to speak to so I can get through the work day.

I'm getting envious and very uncomfortable when I see friends on t.v. or the internet. I used to have that. Why do I feel like I don't anymore?

A good part of this is really my own personal struggle. I need to reach out to my friends if they don't reach out to me so we can stay friends. However, I don't want to bother people when they are trying to do their thing and I just want to hang out, catch up, and eat frozen yogurt.

It's been about a year since I had a close friend. It's lonely.

I want to rekindle friendships. Watch movies. Play board games. Paint fingernails. Talk until 2 a.m. Let's share our problems and cry and laugh over anything and everything. I miss you guys.

Trouble Accepting Honey Boo Boo

There are a few things in life that are not particularly my favorite. If I can avoid them I often feel better in the long run. I'd rather surround myself with words, actions, etc. that I enjoy than with words or actions I already dislike. One of the things I have been unsure of and not too willing to see: Honey Boo Boo.

I'm not quite sure how Honey Boo Boo came to be such a favorite for viewers beyond the extreme craziness factor. So when her family got their own show I was very reluctant to watch. TLC has changed a lot over the years and some of the shows they put out on tv now-a-days just isn't to my liking. It's just personal preference. So I will avoid those shows. I don't want to watch them, so I don't try to.

However, when I saw that Honey Boo Boo's mother was getting married, I was a little intrigued. Weddings are interesting and exciting to me. I don't enjoy watching Bridezillas, but I like watching Say Yes To The Dress, I Found The Gown, etc. At my age a lot of my friends and peers from college/high school are starting to get engaged and married. Beyond tv shows displaying weddings for their viewers, I'm also exposed to weddings, wedding planning, and wedding everything on Facebook and Pinterest. It's a tough subject to escape. Though I'm far off from getting married, I've found weddings much more interesting these past years from the amount of exposure I've experienced. This made me interested in what was going to happen with Honey Boo Boo's family and this wedding.

I feel the need to state that I have never watched an entire episode of Honey Boo Boo before. However, leading up to the wedding episode...I was too interested and watched about half an episode before the final wedding episode. And as I watched the wedding episode, I was really happy for them. The mother, June, and her man, Sugar Bear (I'm a little surprised everyone calls him that...), were finally getting married. They looked really happy, especially Sugar Bear. They seem to care for each other and had a really special day.

Realization came over me after that. I had judged this family before I had even watched an episode. They seemed a little odd to me, so I didn't give them a chance. But watching their wedding made me realize that they are a caring family and shared in something special that most people want to experience in their life. They aren't so different.

I'm a big supporter of accepting everyone as often and as much as you can. But sometimes I catch myself having trouble doing so. People that walk around late at night, teenagers in dark hoodies/clothes outside of a gas station - I assume these people aren't "good," so I avoid them. Same goes for Honey Boo Boo's family. It's not the exact same correlation, but the idea is the same - I assume these people are ____, so I avoid them.

I've come across many instances in my life where I knew people that held judgments of others and I accepted the judged. I don't see why I can't try to do the same when it comes to my own judgments. I believe most of my judgments are based on previous situations or how I was brought up. I'd like to try and give people a chance before my judgments arise. If I do give people a chance, and find I do not like them for 'x' or 'y' reason, it does not mean that we don't have similarities and can't get along. And it most certainly does not mean that they or I should treat each other in a rude/hurtful/disrespectful way based on our personal preference.

Thoughts?

Professional Pants and Costly Clothes

I'm finally entering the "real world." I no longer attend college and have the cushion of school as my "job." I have to work. This is a big transition period that I know everyone goes through...but who has the money to afford anything? Now that I need adult clothes the cost kills me. I don't want to spend $60+ on a pair of black pants. But I don't want to get a pair of cheap ones that will fall apart in a year either. Where can I draw the line? What constitutes an investment piece? What if you don't like it after you buy it? Sometimes pants get all baggy after wearing them. What if I just spent $60 on a pair of baggy pants I hate?!

I'm also finding it hard to find my personal work-clothes style. I want to be fun and inviting, so I look at bright colors and exciting pieces of clothing. However, I know I should look professional...but wearing a suit or fancy pants every day just doesn't seem right. I don't know what direction to take. I want to teach little kids. It doesn't make sense, if I'm going to be sitting on the floor all day, to invest in a pencil skirt or dress pants. It REALLY doesn't make sense to wear heels for the same reason. I'm on my feet all day. I've done a lot of teaching in flats and you know what happens after a few days? Your feet hurt. There's no support in those things! But I can't wear boots all the time. And wearing gym shoes is a big no-no. I have yet to find a good option there.

And what about general out-and-about attire? Is it okay as a teacher to wear almost whatever when you're not teaching? I'm not planning on wearing booty-shorts or bikini tops out and about, but I am a young teacher. A recent graduate. I'd like to wear some clothing geared toward my age group. But I want to be a professional. Ugh!

As silly as this all sounds, I really am confused. I know that I can do a good job, but I'd like my appearance to reflect that. I want my coworkers, boss, students, and my student's family to respect me. ...but dress pants and finger paints don't always mix. And I don't have the money to spend on a bunch of dress clothes...or any investment pieces for that matter.

Anyone have any insight to this?

Abroad = Free Time = Reading?!

Hello everyone!

I feel the need to discuss the topic of reading.

I don't know about you, but when I was a kid I loved the Scholastic Book Orders. I was so excited when our class was handed those brightly colored sheets with, what seemed like, millions of books on each page. Once I held that catalogue in my hands my eyes instantly searched the page for...the free poster/stuffed animal/things-that-have-nothing-to-do-with-books.

Yep. I was one of those kids.

Don't get me wrong! My mom read to me all the time before bed. I almost successfully fell asleep to every chapter in the Little House on the Prairie series.

I believe an, "oh, geez" is appropriate from the peanut gallery. Go on. You know you want to.

I just didn't spend a lot of time reading for fun as a kid. I was doing too many activities and watching these lovely moving pictures on this thing called a television. I like to think I didn't have time to read, but I just wasn't very interested didn't make a very big effort.

I did go to the library a lot. I checked out tons of books! But I often returned almost all of them without reading them.

"You're killing me," is perfectly acceptable here.

Once I got to middle school and high school books became a large part of the curriculum. But the purpose in reading was only to write a book report or follow a "classics" curriculum. Middle school books were usually self-choice, but made reading more un-fun than ever. High school books were the most interesting reads yet (besides Harry Potter. You can't forget that classic that I slowly completed within about 10 years), but they were practically the only things I read. And it was all because my teacher wanted me to learn a new literary theme/technique/etc.

So, I guess it's time to admit it: I am not an avid reader. I don't think I'm even a very well read reader.

In college I truly didn't have a lot of time to read for fun. However, even when I had free time I more often than not picked up a magazine or watched a movie. Effort here? Zero.

"What's the point?" I hear you ask. "Has something changed?!"

Why, yes, reader. Something has changed.

While I was in New Zealand I actually had some free time. GASP! FREE TIME! What should one do with all this free time?

I. Read.

I kid you not, I read! I completed five books while I was abroad for nine weeks. That is probably the most I have read since high school. That is possibly the most I have read in such a small period of time in my life!

Were these books substantial reads? Of course not! Don't be silly!

I wanted to be excited about reading again. I wanted some relaxing reads, some books that would ease me back into reading for fun.

This is what I read:

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine - This book was read aloud to me in 5th grade. I remembered loving it, but, as you have probably guessed, I hadn't read it since. I thought it would be a great starter book and it was!

Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding - This book was calling me from the shelf of my home stay's holiday home. I had seen the movie, but never read the book. They are very different, but I thoroughly enjoyed the book. This was a very fun read.

Shoot the Piano Player by David Goodis - This book sounded interesting and proved to be very interesting. It is set in the 50's and the book is written a bit in the vernacular of the era which made it hard to follow at times. The story was very surprising and it lives up to a true noir novel.

Chocolat by Joanne Harris - This book was a good read and very different than what I was expecting. The book covers witch craft, chocolate shops, priests, abusive relationships, sickness, and more. I've heard that this book is very different from the movie in a good way.

Watermelon by Marian Keyes - This is very much a fluff book. There is not a lot of substance in this book - all entertainment and very much a chick read. It was a great read to round off my trip!


Through this reading excursion I found I like reading! I like picking up a book and having it on my "to do" list. I like coming home from an activity and just sitting down to read. I even like falling asleep reading! It is so much more relaxing than falling asleep watching t.v. which happens more often to me than I like to admit.

Now that I am home I have read one book and am working on a couple more. "What book have I read?" you ask.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green - I picked this up because I love John and Hank Green on Youtube and wanted to see what John's books were like. This was very different from what I was expecting. It was more juvenile than I was expecting, but it had an air of intelligence about it. It covers a rough subject and it does so beautifully. My favorite part of the book had to be the last few chapters.

Right now I'm working on reading Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella and will start reading Project Jennifer by Jill Amy Rosenblatt once I'm done with Confessions. I'm not one to read multiple books at once. That just makes me mix up story lines and then I lose track of where I was in one book while I dove into another and I end up rereading chapters.

Well, that's my reading adventure in a nutshell.

I hope you all are enjoying this new year! Enjoy some new reads if you can.
Kt

Happy 2013!

Hello lovely readers!

Happy 2013! I hope you all enjoyed a safe and exciting New Years Eve!

2012 definitely had its ups and downs. One of my largest ups was being fortunate enough to get to travel for my education major to New Zealand. Let me repeat that for you all: New Zealand!! It was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. I am so fortunate to all the people there that helped me feel so welcome.

For the downs of 2012... I'd rather not focus on them. It's a new year and a new start. Everyone always says, "Happy New Year," and this year I resolve to do just that. Make this a happy new year.

There are so many things others have done that inspired me and I plan to follow in their footsteps. I want to spread kindness more than my frustration or angst. I want to feel good about myself and what I do. Overall, I want to be happy with 2013. I think that's doable.

It's been a long time since I posted on here. If you did or if you didn't have a fabulous 2012, let's resolve to make 2013 more fabulous. Let's spread kindness more than hate. Let's be happy - all of us!

Kindness every day,
Kt

Not Okay

I'm not okay.

The happiness I spoke about in my last post, that was stupid. I'm not happy. I may have moments of happiness, but I am not happy.

I don't cry much anymore. My heart doesn't tug when I think about him.

But I know I still love him.

Which sucks.

A couple of weeks ago he wanted an update - how was I doing? I told him I wasn't doing so well. It was coming up to a  month since we broke up and I was taking it pretty hard. I explained how my love with him was so much stronger than anything I've ever had before. His response struck me like a knife in the gut. He said the relationship meant more to me than it did to him.

Great.
Awesome.
I feel so much better now.
Except, no, I don't.

So now I'm trying to distance myself. No more hoping he'll text me back. No more checking Facebook to see if he's online. No more.

I absolutely HATE feeling this way. I hate that I wasn't what he needed. I hate that I feel left out. I hate that I can't think about anyone else.

Because I love him. Darn it all.

And that I can't control. Sorry there, buckaroo.

Kt

Still Dreaming

My tears aren't flowing as freely anymore.

I still hurt a bit when I hear, see, or mention things that remind me of him, but it's not as agonizing as it used to be.

I didn't even feel all that terrible yesterday when I didn't get to talk to him at all.

I'm getting used to this separation.

And I'm getting used to my happier self. I was happy with him, but in such a different way. I'm sharing my happiness, kindness, and love with my friends now instead of just with him. I'm glad I can put a smile on someones face with my goofy jokes or kind words. I'm reverting back to old habits, but many of them are good habits that I'm excited to have back in my life.

I still dream about him, though. Almost every night. Recently, they've been good dreams, though I had a few unpleasant ones as we finalized everything. Every now and then I long for him.

But I'm trying to build myself up. Trying to be strong and thankful for what I have.

A few things have helped me on the way. I have such wonderful friends that are willing to listen to my problems and comfort me with hugs and kind words. I have parents that worry about me and give me joy. I have a Pinterest account that lets me re-pin quotes that are inspirational and relevant to my current situation.

I'm seeing the beauty in the world again. I'm able to sing now without instantly tearing up.

I'm either getting used to being treated this way - as a distant friend - or am getting numb from all the emotions. I'm not over him. I still want him to see the mistake he made. But, as it has been pointed out to me, he is not budging with his decision. Although I have hopes and dreams for us there isn't anything I can do but be me. I'll be as me as I can be. I love certain parts of me and maybe he will too. If not, at least I'm remembering how to love myself.

I must admit that I'm scared of losing these feelings, even if all they do is hurt me. It means I still love someone. Love is something you don't fall into that often. I don't want to throw it over my shoulder and let it disappear so easily. I still miss him - I missed his sweatshirt yesterday when I was chilly. But I'm also not writing down all of my feelings anymore.

It's complicated. I'm trying to hold on and let go. I'll figure it out with time.

Right now, I'm just me.
Kt