Still Dreaming

My tears aren't flowing as freely anymore.

I still hurt a bit when I hear, see, or mention things that remind me of him, but it's not as agonizing as it used to be.

I didn't even feel all that terrible yesterday when I didn't get to talk to him at all.

I'm getting used to this separation.

And I'm getting used to my happier self. I was happy with him, but in such a different way. I'm sharing my happiness, kindness, and love with my friends now instead of just with him. I'm glad I can put a smile on someones face with my goofy jokes or kind words. I'm reverting back to old habits, but many of them are good habits that I'm excited to have back in my life.

I still dream about him, though. Almost every night. Recently, they've been good dreams, though I had a few unpleasant ones as we finalized everything. Every now and then I long for him.

But I'm trying to build myself up. Trying to be strong and thankful for what I have.

A few things have helped me on the way. I have such wonderful friends that are willing to listen to my problems and comfort me with hugs and kind words. I have parents that worry about me and give me joy. I have a Pinterest account that lets me re-pin quotes that are inspirational and relevant to my current situation.

I'm seeing the beauty in the world again. I'm able to sing now without instantly tearing up.

I'm either getting used to being treated this way - as a distant friend - or am getting numb from all the emotions. I'm not over him. I still want him to see the mistake he made. But, as it has been pointed out to me, he is not budging with his decision. Although I have hopes and dreams for us there isn't anything I can do but be me. I'll be as me as I can be. I love certain parts of me and maybe he will too. If not, at least I'm remembering how to love myself.

I must admit that I'm scared of losing these feelings, even if all they do is hurt me. It means I still love someone. Love is something you don't fall into that often. I don't want to throw it over my shoulder and let it disappear so easily. I still miss him - I missed his sweatshirt yesterday when I was chilly. But I'm also not writing down all of my feelings anymore.

It's complicated. I'm trying to hold on and let go. I'll figure it out with time.

Right now, I'm just me.
Kt