Still Dreaming

My tears aren't flowing as freely anymore.

I still hurt a bit when I hear, see, or mention things that remind me of him, but it's not as agonizing as it used to be.

I didn't even feel all that terrible yesterday when I didn't get to talk to him at all.

I'm getting used to this separation.

And I'm getting used to my happier self. I was happy with him, but in such a different way. I'm sharing my happiness, kindness, and love with my friends now instead of just with him. I'm glad I can put a smile on someones face with my goofy jokes or kind words. I'm reverting back to old habits, but many of them are good habits that I'm excited to have back in my life.

I still dream about him, though. Almost every night. Recently, they've been good dreams, though I had a few unpleasant ones as we finalized everything. Every now and then I long for him.

But I'm trying to build myself up. Trying to be strong and thankful for what I have.

A few things have helped me on the way. I have such wonderful friends that are willing to listen to my problems and comfort me with hugs and kind words. I have parents that worry about me and give me joy. I have a Pinterest account that lets me re-pin quotes that are inspirational and relevant to my current situation.

I'm seeing the beauty in the world again. I'm able to sing now without instantly tearing up.

I'm either getting used to being treated this way - as a distant friend - or am getting numb from all the emotions. I'm not over him. I still want him to see the mistake he made. But, as it has been pointed out to me, he is not budging with his decision. Although I have hopes and dreams for us there isn't anything I can do but be me. I'll be as me as I can be. I love certain parts of me and maybe he will too. If not, at least I'm remembering how to love myself.

I must admit that I'm scared of losing these feelings, even if all they do is hurt me. It means I still love someone. Love is something you don't fall into that often. I don't want to throw it over my shoulder and let it disappear so easily. I still miss him - I missed his sweatshirt yesterday when I was chilly. But I'm also not writing down all of my feelings anymore.

It's complicated. I'm trying to hold on and let go. I'll figure it out with time.

Right now, I'm just me.
Kt

It's Over

He talked to me this week. It was exactly a week since we last spoke. It wasn't very long - actually it was quite a short conversation, but we spoke. And he talked to me first. I was happy.

The next day I spoke to him. I had written a letter to him the night before explaining how I was feeling - how I perceived what happened, how I've grown, and that I'd like a chance at us again, but would be okay if we were just friends. I asked him to think about his decision in the letter - to not rush to a conclusion. As we spoke he asked if we could be friends. I told him we could, but that I'd like him to read this letter first. He did and said he'd get back to me.

That day I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I was happy. I sang songs we used to listen to together. It was a good day.



He wrote back to me today, two days later. He said he didn't feel that way about me anymore. We couldn't get back together.



I wanted to talk directly to him and ask one last time if he could try. The past encounters were all via internet or text. I needed to see him face to face. Not just to talk. I needed to see him because I missed this man I love so much. This was the longest we'd been apart. I at least wanted a hug.

I got three hugs. All asked for by me. But he complied, which makes it only slightly easier.

I got closure on some things. Things I didn't understand before about why we needed to part. Then, I told him how I felt. How I loved him so much. How I can't let it go. How this past week I've dreamt of him almost every night, something I never did when we were together. (Though, this past night I dreamt that we argued. I guess that was a sign...)

I reminded him of the feelings he used to have. Would he be opposed to trying again to see if those feelings came back?



Yes. Because he believes those feelings won't ever come back. They've gone. This relationship is done.



He wants me to wait another week to speak with him again. I'll see him at a basketball game next week and that will be the next time we talk.

I hate this. I thought I was getting better. I ripped off another part of my heart all by myself, by putting it out there.

This is the longest we haven't spoken since talking with each other last November. I miss him everyday. And I will continue to for quite some time.



I'm really thankful a friend was free and willing to listen as well as spend the day with me. We eventually changed topics and took my mind off the whole thing. Thank you so much for spending the day with me. I really appreciated you being there.



Now that I'm back at my apartment, it hit me again. Especially when I checked what was on tv - A Bug's Life. The movie we watched when he asked me if I'd like to go steady - extremely corny, I know, but it was the sweetest moment I could have asked for.

I'm so sorry this didn't work out. I wish you had told me when things weren't working. I wish you had told me exactly what you needed so I could have done something about it. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I still love you. I always will.

I'll get over this and be your friend. I trust you. I'm sorry these first few weeks of plain friendship will be difficult. As I said today, you've been a dear friend to me these past six months. I'm not going to let that go away.

I fought for you. I lost. Goodnight.
Kt