Not Okay

I'm not okay.

The happiness I spoke about in my last post, that was stupid. I'm not happy. I may have moments of happiness, but I am not happy.

I don't cry much anymore. My heart doesn't tug when I think about him.

But I know I still love him.

Which sucks.

A couple of weeks ago he wanted an update - how was I doing? I told him I wasn't doing so well. It was coming up to a  month since we broke up and I was taking it pretty hard. I explained how my love with him was so much stronger than anything I've ever had before. His response struck me like a knife in the gut. He said the relationship meant more to me than it did to him.

Great.
Awesome.
I feel so much better now.
Except, no, I don't.

So now I'm trying to distance myself. No more hoping he'll text me back. No more checking Facebook to see if he's online. No more.

I absolutely HATE feeling this way. I hate that I wasn't what he needed. I hate that I feel left out. I hate that I can't think about anyone else.

Because I love him. Darn it all.

And that I can't control. Sorry there, buckaroo.

Kt

Still Dreaming

My tears aren't flowing as freely anymore.

I still hurt a bit when I hear, see, or mention things that remind me of him, but it's not as agonizing as it used to be.

I didn't even feel all that terrible yesterday when I didn't get to talk to him at all.

I'm getting used to this separation.

And I'm getting used to my happier self. I was happy with him, but in such a different way. I'm sharing my happiness, kindness, and love with my friends now instead of just with him. I'm glad I can put a smile on someones face with my goofy jokes or kind words. I'm reverting back to old habits, but many of them are good habits that I'm excited to have back in my life.

I still dream about him, though. Almost every night. Recently, they've been good dreams, though I had a few unpleasant ones as we finalized everything. Every now and then I long for him.

But I'm trying to build myself up. Trying to be strong and thankful for what I have.

A few things have helped me on the way. I have such wonderful friends that are willing to listen to my problems and comfort me with hugs and kind words. I have parents that worry about me and give me joy. I have a Pinterest account that lets me re-pin quotes that are inspirational and relevant to my current situation.

I'm seeing the beauty in the world again. I'm able to sing now without instantly tearing up.

I'm either getting used to being treated this way - as a distant friend - or am getting numb from all the emotions. I'm not over him. I still want him to see the mistake he made. But, as it has been pointed out to me, he is not budging with his decision. Although I have hopes and dreams for us there isn't anything I can do but be me. I'll be as me as I can be. I love certain parts of me and maybe he will too. If not, at least I'm remembering how to love myself.

I must admit that I'm scared of losing these feelings, even if all they do is hurt me. It means I still love someone. Love is something you don't fall into that often. I don't want to throw it over my shoulder and let it disappear so easily. I still miss him - I missed his sweatshirt yesterday when I was chilly. But I'm also not writing down all of my feelings anymore.

It's complicated. I'm trying to hold on and let go. I'll figure it out with time.

Right now, I'm just me.
Kt

It's Over

He talked to me this week. It was exactly a week since we last spoke. It wasn't very long - actually it was quite a short conversation, but we spoke. And he talked to me first. I was happy.

The next day I spoke to him. I had written a letter to him the night before explaining how I was feeling - how I perceived what happened, how I've grown, and that I'd like a chance at us again, but would be okay if we were just friends. I asked him to think about his decision in the letter - to not rush to a conclusion. As we spoke he asked if we could be friends. I told him we could, but that I'd like him to read this letter first. He did and said he'd get back to me.

That day I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I was happy. I sang songs we used to listen to together. It was a good day.



He wrote back to me today, two days later. He said he didn't feel that way about me anymore. We couldn't get back together.



I wanted to talk directly to him and ask one last time if he could try. The past encounters were all via internet or text. I needed to see him face to face. Not just to talk. I needed to see him because I missed this man I love so much. This was the longest we'd been apart. I at least wanted a hug.

I got three hugs. All asked for by me. But he complied, which makes it only slightly easier.

I got closure on some things. Things I didn't understand before about why we needed to part. Then, I told him how I felt. How I loved him so much. How I can't let it go. How this past week I've dreamt of him almost every night, something I never did when we were together. (Though, this past night I dreamt that we argued. I guess that was a sign...)

I reminded him of the feelings he used to have. Would he be opposed to trying again to see if those feelings came back?



Yes. Because he believes those feelings won't ever come back. They've gone. This relationship is done.



He wants me to wait another week to speak with him again. I'll see him at a basketball game next week and that will be the next time we talk.

I hate this. I thought I was getting better. I ripped off another part of my heart all by myself, by putting it out there.

This is the longest we haven't spoken since talking with each other last November. I miss him everyday. And I will continue to for quite some time.



I'm really thankful a friend was free and willing to listen as well as spend the day with me. We eventually changed topics and took my mind off the whole thing. Thank you so much for spending the day with me. I really appreciated you being there.



Now that I'm back at my apartment, it hit me again. Especially when I checked what was on tv - A Bug's Life. The movie we watched when he asked me if I'd like to go steady - extremely corny, I know, but it was the sweetest moment I could have asked for.

I'm so sorry this didn't work out. I wish you had told me when things weren't working. I wish you had told me exactly what you needed so I could have done something about it. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I still love you. I always will.

I'll get over this and be your friend. I trust you. I'm sorry these first few weeks of plain friendship will be difficult. As I said today, you've been a dear friend to me these past six months. I'm not going to let that go away.

I fought for you. I lost. Goodnight.
Kt

Let's Talk

All right.

I've been thinking.

I've been writing the past two weeks about how I've been feeling through this let's-work-it-out and breakup period. Yesterday evening I realized I felt like me again. I was having fun and just hanging out with my roommate without thoughts plauging my brain. During dinner I believe I crossed a bridge in the breakup process. I wrote about it last night for myself and I want to share it with you.

I miss him. In many ways. At first I missed the relationship part. But, after thinking about it and letting a little time pass, I really miss his friendship.

This guy is a great guy. He's funny and kind. We have a lot of similarities which is why we got along so well and ended up dating. And now I just miss hanging out with him.

We didn't get a lot of time to hang out as friends before we started dating. Not really. I'd like for us to hang out again and continue to learn about each other.

I still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm trying to move on. I'd be happy if we got back together, of course. I realized last night one of the reasons I'm not letting go is because we didn't make this breakup decision together. I thought when our relationship ended it would be mutual. It wasn't and I'm hurt. So there's a part of me that wants him to come back so we can continue the relationship until we've come to a mutual decision to part. But, the other part of me really misses his company.

I hate not talking to him. I need to push myself to wait a little longer so I feel more stable to talk without bringing up the past. But now I have to agree with him. These past six months were a blast. I had the most wonderful time. He was probably the most stable and greatest relationship I've had so far. Another reason it's hard for me to let go.

I want us to be friends. To talk to each other and have a good time. The hurting part of me kind of hopes that maybe the spark will ignite after some time as friends. The other part of me doesn't care. I miss him in both ways and am willing to be his friend.

I will always love him. Now I'm more willing to leave that relationship so we can move forward as wonderful friends. Maybe we could do some of the things we didn't get to do in our relationship as friends. In a group maybe, if by ourselves makes it feel to couple-esque.

I miss you. Please talk to me soon. Because if you don't, I likely will. Hahaha
Kt

Dwelling

I was playing my flute a moment ago - going through some pieces that might be good for next Sunday. My embrouchure was hurting (I haven't played for a month and a half), so I took a break. And started dwelling.

This week has been hard and hurtful and full of tears. I thought I was getting better as it went on. That I was toughening up and letting go. But I had a major breakdown last night. And it feels as if I'm back at the drawing board.

I need to let him go, but I don't want to. I've got too much hope and faith in us. I don't want it to end just yet.

I can't talk to anyone about it, though. I feel like a nuisance when I do. My roommate says if I love him I need to love him enough to let him go. My friend tells me not to talk to him and that time will heal me. My dad says it takes two to make a relationship. He said on Monday that he wasn't willing to put in the time.

I need to let him go.

...but I don't want to.

We'll be friends. I don't doubt that. We'd be great friends. I'm just not there yet. I don't want to be friends right now. I want to be us.

And I'm scared that he doesn't even care. Doesn't think much of it. When he said he thinks of me as a friend that means he's over it all, right? ...no. But I feel like a cat left out in the rain. Soaked, cold, and confused. Why won't you talk to me? Why can't this be okay? Why? What did I do?

I have a million ideas of what I did to push him away. And they're things I'm willing to work on. I would better myself if it meant we could be us again.

But we won't be us again, will we? ...no. I don't think so.

No matter how hard I hope, pray, and wish for him to come back he probably won't.

I need to let him go.
Kt

Summer Blues

I am having a tough summer.

I haven't been posting on here because I was busy with school and with having a life. I had a life for a moment there! It was wonderful...but it's over.

The boy I'd been dating the past 6 months broke up with me yesterday. It's a complicated mess, but I knew the relationship wasn't working in his eyes. We tried to work on it, but he gave in. He let it go. And I'm heartbroken.

It sucks even more that I haven't dated someone for 3 1/2 years and have slightly forgotten how to grieve over this properly. I want him to be here and tell me it'll be okay. Hug me and stroke my hair while I cry. I love him and will miss him so much. Miss us so much.

I wasn't ready for this to end. I really wanted it to work.

It's been a rough summer.

I'm also unemployed. This has been the first time I've had real trouble finding a job. So I feel awful purchasing anything beyond groceries and gas.

At least we, the guy I was dating and myself, are now saving money. We don't have to pay for each other anymore.

But I loved that. I loved sharing time, popcorn, and me with him.

I wish so many things were different.

I was a mess the past month in this relationship. I was insecure and struggling with how he felt, how we were doing.

I wish our differences didn't push us apart. I wish he could look past mine like I do his.

But it's no use. He's done with it. And likely tired of me trying to make it work.

I just can't stop picturing us together and happy. Snuggled. Smiling. Laughing. Happy.

It's going to take a bit of time to get over it. And a lot of it is because I loved you. I loved you so much. I still do.

I said I would always love him and I will. I just need to let the relationship feelings go and focus on a friendship love.

It hurts.

I'm having a rough summer. And summer's only just begun.
Kt