Dwelling

I was playing my flute a moment ago - going through some pieces that might be good for next Sunday. My embrouchure was hurting (I haven't played for a month and a half), so I took a break. And started dwelling.

This week has been hard and hurtful and full of tears. I thought I was getting better as it went on. That I was toughening up and letting go. But I had a major breakdown last night. And it feels as if I'm back at the drawing board.

I need to let him go, but I don't want to. I've got too much hope and faith in us. I don't want it to end just yet.

I can't talk to anyone about it, though. I feel like a nuisance when I do. My roommate says if I love him I need to love him enough to let him go. My friend tells me not to talk to him and that time will heal me. My dad says it takes two to make a relationship. He said on Monday that he wasn't willing to put in the time.

I need to let him go.

...but I don't want to.

We'll be friends. I don't doubt that. We'd be great friends. I'm just not there yet. I don't want to be friends right now. I want to be us.

And I'm scared that he doesn't even care. Doesn't think much of it. When he said he thinks of me as a friend that means he's over it all, right? ...no. But I feel like a cat left out in the rain. Soaked, cold, and confused. Why won't you talk to me? Why can't this be okay? Why? What did I do?

I have a million ideas of what I did to push him away. And they're things I'm willing to work on. I would better myself if it meant we could be us again.

But we won't be us again, will we? ...no. I don't think so.

No matter how hard I hope, pray, and wish for him to come back he probably won't.

I need to let him go.
Kt

Summer Blues

I am having a tough summer.

I haven't been posting on here because I was busy with school and with having a life. I had a life for a moment there! It was wonderful...but it's over.

The boy I'd been dating the past 6 months broke up with me yesterday. It's a complicated mess, but I knew the relationship wasn't working in his eyes. We tried to work on it, but he gave in. He let it go. And I'm heartbroken.

It sucks even more that I haven't dated someone for 3 1/2 years and have slightly forgotten how to grieve over this properly. I want him to be here and tell me it'll be okay. Hug me and stroke my hair while I cry. I love him and will miss him so much. Miss us so much.

I wasn't ready for this to end. I really wanted it to work.

It's been a rough summer.

I'm also unemployed. This has been the first time I've had real trouble finding a job. So I feel awful purchasing anything beyond groceries and gas.

At least we, the guy I was dating and myself, are now saving money. We don't have to pay for each other anymore.

But I loved that. I loved sharing time, popcorn, and me with him.

I wish so many things were different.

I was a mess the past month in this relationship. I was insecure and struggling with how he felt, how we were doing.

I wish our differences didn't push us apart. I wish he could look past mine like I do his.

But it's no use. He's done with it. And likely tired of me trying to make it work.

I just can't stop picturing us together and happy. Snuggled. Smiling. Laughing. Happy.

It's going to take a bit of time to get over it. And a lot of it is because I loved you. I loved you so much. I still do.

I said I would always love him and I will. I just need to let the relationship feelings go and focus on a friendship love.

It hurts.

I'm having a rough summer. And summer's only just begun.
Kt

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm so happy I get a chance to see my friends and family over the holidays. I know many people out there may be alone this holiday season or be suffering financially, but it helps me to know that there is always someone out there who cares about them and loves them no matter what - be it a distant family member, a nearby shopkeeper, or an angel watching over them (like Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life). Have a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays from my house to yours.

Kt

P.S. If you weren't sure of what to get someone and ended up not giving them a gift, you can always donate to an organization that helps others. A gift from the heart will always trump a material gift.

Things That Have Come And Gone

Hello everyone!

Here's a list of things that have come and gone since I last posted:

• My senior recital: It went pretty well - at least I thought it went pretty well. The bumps from my dress rehearsal weren't there and I wasn't too nervous. Unfortunately, I didn't sing "full voiced" and my professor picked up on that. Bummer when you get a B on something you work so hard on.
• The fall semester: This is my last fall semester at my college. Marching band is ending (though we're bowl bound - WOO!), my senior recital is finished, and it looks like I might (cross your fingers!) end up with all A's this semester! Oh, and I'm dating somebody which is a pretty great present for the holidays.
• My December Glamour issue: I was so ridiculously behind in reading my magazine! I finally finished it during finals week (I was done with my finals, of course) after I received the January issue in the mail. Oh well - it was a great issue!
• My fear of alcohol: Okay, this would take much explaining so I'll summarize it to the best of my ability. College scared the begeezes out of me as a freshman - i.e. I wasn't expecting to see so many of my school mates being irresponsible. I eventually grew to accepting my "it's-your-life-so-you-can-do-with-it-what-you-want" policy, but I still steered away from drinking myself. I was under age! That's against the law!!! Yes, I know I'm a goody-two shoes. Well, I'm old enough to drink, and have been for quite some time, so I'm getting a chance to really try things out. I was timid at first, but I've been to the bars and parties and have found my tolerance is pretty high. I'm careful and cautious and I think that's the best I can do for myself.
• Christmas lights!: I put Christmas lights up on the deck of our apartment for the first time (we've lived in the same place for two years). I'm so happy I did! They jump started my Christmas spirit, even though I'm still kind of waiting for the full Christmas mood to kick in. Um, it's in less than a week...let's get the Christmas spirit started!!!

This will be a shopping week for me. With all of the school things that have been going on I haven't had much of a chance to shop for Christmas presents. I'll be driving and spending money out the wazoo.

I hate how I'll find something I really like before Christmas, but not dare buy it for myself because someone may get me something similar - you never know! And then, once Christmas is over, I'll think, "I really wanted to get such-and-such, but I've already got so many things... I'll just not get it/That's a waste of money/blah blah blah." If you like it, get it! Geez. It's just nail polish/a purse/stuff! You've got gift cards - use them for the purchase! Oy, I need to feel better about spending money. I also need to work on saying, "Oy" less...

Well, I hope you all have finished your finals (if you're in school) and are home for the holidays! Drink some hot chocolate, spend time with your friends and family, and don't forget to give! Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, please remember to be kind to each other and give a gift of love and hope to friends, family, and passers-by. It will warm their heart as well as yours!

I hope to write you all again soon! Happy Holidays!
Kt

Nervous/Worried/LET'S DO THIS!

Hello everyone!

It's nearing the end of the semester and all the end of the year projects are starting to pile up. The big one that's "due" today? ...My senior recital.

I had my dress rehearsal last night. During the day I was actually feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing. I felt like I knew my music well and that it would be fine. Well, that dress rehearsal had quite a few...bumps...to put it nicely. Now I'm scared, worried, nervous, and losing my appetite. I'm surprised I could eat my breakfast.

I want/wish/pray for tonight to go smoothly. I want/wish/pray to be relaxed and focus on making music instead of what notes I sing, what words I sing, and what dynamics/articulations I sing.

Please let this go well. I don't want to break down in tears like I did yesterday.

Send me good relaxation vibes!
Kt

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for so many things - the opportunity to go to college and really study something I love, my friends and family, a warm bed at night. For all those out there that are not as fortunate, I am praying for you today. I pray that you will go to bed with a full stomach, be with your friends and families, and feel loved and cared for. I hope that my little prayer will reach some of you out there and will warm your hearts.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Eat some turkey, green bean casseroles, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie! I know I will!

Kt

Not Tired!

Hello everyone!

I hope some of you are already home for the holidays or in the not too distant future are going to be with your families. I am currently sitting in my bed at home wondering why I am not tired. It's almost 1 a.m. for goodness' sake!

Well, these past few days have been a lazy blur. I've been in the most least productive mood. No matter how many times I pull up an assignment to work on I just can't seem to push myself to do it. I think my body and brain need a break from it all (which is kind of what I've done for the past two days). I've sat, watched t.v., caught up on some blogs - pretty much done nothing. And although I hate days like that (where I feel unproductive) I feel like I'm recharging. I went to the gym this past morning and had so much energy I didn't want to stop working out! That is, until the congestion from my cold kicked in and I started feeling a little woozy and sick. Yeah, it's time to get some water and walk away.

Tomorrow I'll be heading with a friend to Lush! Neither of us have been and we tried to go last year, but (probably due to my horrible great luck) it was closed for renovations. Shows how important it is to call ahead and check I suppose. I plan on bringing along my recital dress so I can look for some flats to go with it...not in Lush, silly, in a shoe store! My recital is coming up so quickly and I know I won't want to sing in high heels - it's just not natural for me, being as tall as I am. I'm hoping to find some that will not be too expensive, but will be comfortable and go quite well with the dress. Worse comes to worse I have some high heels that would go well with it, but I'd prefer to not go there.

Ramble, ramble, ramble, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Maybe I'll find something good on t.v. that will put me to sleep. Wait a minute, that's a horrible idea! If I find something good on I'll stay up to watch it. So...I should put an infomercial on? Oy, I don't know. I'll probably look for something good, watch it for a while, and eventually fall asleep no matter how interesting it is. Man, I wish I hadn't lost my lip balm in my bed last night.

Well, I hope this suffices for an interesting read. I'll probably chuckle at it when I read it later.

Send me sleepy vibes!
Kt