Friendships

Do you know what depresses me? Of course you don't - you don't live in my head. What really depresses me is how easy it is to end up in the "real world" and leave your social life behind. I had a similar situation in college where I didn't hang out with a large group of people, but I had close friends that I spent most of my time with. For me, those close friends happened to be my roommates. Having roommates doesn't automatically create or stabilize friendships, but I had some of the most amazing experiences in college by hanging out with them. They were my rocks - the people that would listen to me at 10 p.m. when I'm stressed out, would share dinner with me, would have meaningful conversations for an hour that turn into ridiculous giggle-fits. I miss that.

School really holds people together. You tend to make friends from taking classes and participating in activities. They are always there, even if you take a different course the next year or semester. You'll see them on campus, at dinner, etc.

Now that I'm out and about in the "real world" there are no more classes and, in a terribly harsh reality, less friendship.

I never realized how much effort it can take to keep in touch with friends so they stay a constant friend in your life.

Those roommate rocks that I had were fabulous people that I rarely see. The friends I made from classes are doing their own adult thing or are still finishing up school.

I spend my days, weeks, and sometimes even months talking to my mother, boyfriend, and the people I need to speak to so I can get through the work day.

I'm getting envious and very uncomfortable when I see friends on t.v. or the internet. I used to have that. Why do I feel like I don't anymore?

A good part of this is really my own personal struggle. I need to reach out to my friends if they don't reach out to me so we can stay friends. However, I don't want to bother people when they are trying to do their thing and I just want to hang out, catch up, and eat frozen yogurt.

It's been about a year since I had a close friend. It's lonely.

I want to rekindle friendships. Watch movies. Play board games. Paint fingernails. Talk until 2 a.m. Let's share our problems and cry and laugh over anything and everything. I miss you guys.

Trouble Accepting Honey Boo Boo

There are a few things in life that are not particularly my favorite. If I can avoid them I often feel better in the long run. I'd rather surround myself with words, actions, etc. that I enjoy than with words or actions I already dislike. One of the things I have been unsure of and not too willing to see: Honey Boo Boo.

I'm not quite sure how Honey Boo Boo came to be such a favorite for viewers beyond the extreme craziness factor. So when her family got their own show I was very reluctant to watch. TLC has changed a lot over the years and some of the shows they put out on tv now-a-days just isn't to my liking. It's just personal preference. So I will avoid those shows. I don't want to watch them, so I don't try to.

However, when I saw that Honey Boo Boo's mother was getting married, I was a little intrigued. Weddings are interesting and exciting to me. I don't enjoy watching Bridezillas, but I like watching Say Yes To The Dress, I Found The Gown, etc. At my age a lot of my friends and peers from college/high school are starting to get engaged and married. Beyond tv shows displaying weddings for their viewers, I'm also exposed to weddings, wedding planning, and wedding everything on Facebook and Pinterest. It's a tough subject to escape. Though I'm far off from getting married, I've found weddings much more interesting these past years from the amount of exposure I've experienced. This made me interested in what was going to happen with Honey Boo Boo's family and this wedding.

I feel the need to state that I have never watched an entire episode of Honey Boo Boo before. However, leading up to the wedding episode...I was too interested and watched about half an episode before the final wedding episode. And as I watched the wedding episode, I was really happy for them. The mother, June, and her man, Sugar Bear (I'm a little surprised everyone calls him that...), were finally getting married. They looked really happy, especially Sugar Bear. They seem to care for each other and had a really special day.

Realization came over me after that. I had judged this family before I had even watched an episode. They seemed a little odd to me, so I didn't give them a chance. But watching their wedding made me realize that they are a caring family and shared in something special that most people want to experience in their life. They aren't so different.

I'm a big supporter of accepting everyone as often and as much as you can. But sometimes I catch myself having trouble doing so. People that walk around late at night, teenagers in dark hoodies/clothes outside of a gas station - I assume these people aren't "good," so I avoid them. Same goes for Honey Boo Boo's family. It's not the exact same correlation, but the idea is the same - I assume these people are ____, so I avoid them.

I've come across many instances in my life where I knew people that held judgments of others and I accepted the judged. I don't see why I can't try to do the same when it comes to my own judgments. I believe most of my judgments are based on previous situations or how I was brought up. I'd like to try and give people a chance before my judgments arise. If I do give people a chance, and find I do not like them for 'x' or 'y' reason, it does not mean that we don't have similarities and can't get along. And it most certainly does not mean that they or I should treat each other in a rude/hurtful/disrespectful way based on our personal preference.

Thoughts?

Professional Pants and Costly Clothes

I'm finally entering the "real world." I no longer attend college and have the cushion of school as my "job." I have to work. This is a big transition period that I know everyone goes through...but who has the money to afford anything? Now that I need adult clothes the cost kills me. I don't want to spend $60+ on a pair of black pants. But I don't want to get a pair of cheap ones that will fall apart in a year either. Where can I draw the line? What constitutes an investment piece? What if you don't like it after you buy it? Sometimes pants get all baggy after wearing them. What if I just spent $60 on a pair of baggy pants I hate?!

I'm also finding it hard to find my personal work-clothes style. I want to be fun and inviting, so I look at bright colors and exciting pieces of clothing. However, I know I should look professional...but wearing a suit or fancy pants every day just doesn't seem right. I don't know what direction to take. I want to teach little kids. It doesn't make sense, if I'm going to be sitting on the floor all day, to invest in a pencil skirt or dress pants. It REALLY doesn't make sense to wear heels for the same reason. I'm on my feet all day. I've done a lot of teaching in flats and you know what happens after a few days? Your feet hurt. There's no support in those things! But I can't wear boots all the time. And wearing gym shoes is a big no-no. I have yet to find a good option there.

And what about general out-and-about attire? Is it okay as a teacher to wear almost whatever when you're not teaching? I'm not planning on wearing booty-shorts or bikini tops out and about, but I am a young teacher. A recent graduate. I'd like to wear some clothing geared toward my age group. But I want to be a professional. Ugh!

As silly as this all sounds, I really am confused. I know that I can do a good job, but I'd like my appearance to reflect that. I want my coworkers, boss, students, and my student's family to respect me. ...but dress pants and finger paints don't always mix. And I don't have the money to spend on a bunch of dress clothes...or any investment pieces for that matter.

Anyone have any insight to this?

Abroad = Free Time = Reading?!

Hello everyone!

I feel the need to discuss the topic of reading.

I don't know about you, but when I was a kid I loved the Scholastic Book Orders. I was so excited when our class was handed those brightly colored sheets with, what seemed like, millions of books on each page. Once I held that catalogue in my hands my eyes instantly searched the page for...the free poster/stuffed animal/things-that-have-nothing-to-do-with-books.

Yep. I was one of those kids.

Don't get me wrong! My mom read to me all the time before bed. I almost successfully fell asleep to every chapter in the Little House on the Prairie series.

I believe an, "oh, geez" is appropriate from the peanut gallery. Go on. You know you want to.

I just didn't spend a lot of time reading for fun as a kid. I was doing too many activities and watching these lovely moving pictures on this thing called a television. I like to think I didn't have time to read, but I just wasn't very interested didn't make a very big effort.

I did go to the library a lot. I checked out tons of books! But I often returned almost all of them without reading them.

"You're killing me," is perfectly acceptable here.

Once I got to middle school and high school books became a large part of the curriculum. But the purpose in reading was only to write a book report or follow a "classics" curriculum. Middle school books were usually self-choice, but made reading more un-fun than ever. High school books were the most interesting reads yet (besides Harry Potter. You can't forget that classic that I slowly completed within about 10 years), but they were practically the only things I read. And it was all because my teacher wanted me to learn a new literary theme/technique/etc.

So, I guess it's time to admit it: I am not an avid reader. I don't think I'm even a very well read reader.

In college I truly didn't have a lot of time to read for fun. However, even when I had free time I more often than not picked up a magazine or watched a movie. Effort here? Zero.

"What's the point?" I hear you ask. "Has something changed?!"

Why, yes, reader. Something has changed.

While I was in New Zealand I actually had some free time. GASP! FREE TIME! What should one do with all this free time?

I. Read.

I kid you not, I read! I completed five books while I was abroad for nine weeks. That is probably the most I have read since high school. That is possibly the most I have read in such a small period of time in my life!

Were these books substantial reads? Of course not! Don't be silly!

I wanted to be excited about reading again. I wanted some relaxing reads, some books that would ease me back into reading for fun.

This is what I read:

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine - This book was read aloud to me in 5th grade. I remembered loving it, but, as you have probably guessed, I hadn't read it since. I thought it would be a great starter book and it was!

Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding - This book was calling me from the shelf of my home stay's holiday home. I had seen the movie, but never read the book. They are very different, but I thoroughly enjoyed the book. This was a very fun read.

Shoot the Piano Player by David Goodis - This book sounded interesting and proved to be very interesting. It is set in the 50's and the book is written a bit in the vernacular of the era which made it hard to follow at times. The story was very surprising and it lives up to a true noir novel.

Chocolat by Joanne Harris - This book was a good read and very different than what I was expecting. The book covers witch craft, chocolate shops, priests, abusive relationships, sickness, and more. I've heard that this book is very different from the movie in a good way.

Watermelon by Marian Keyes - This is very much a fluff book. There is not a lot of substance in this book - all entertainment and very much a chick read. It was a great read to round off my trip!


Through this reading excursion I found I like reading! I like picking up a book and having it on my "to do" list. I like coming home from an activity and just sitting down to read. I even like falling asleep reading! It is so much more relaxing than falling asleep watching t.v. which happens more often to me than I like to admit.

Now that I am home I have read one book and am working on a couple more. "What book have I read?" you ask.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green - I picked this up because I love John and Hank Green on Youtube and wanted to see what John's books were like. This was very different from what I was expecting. It was more juvenile than I was expecting, but it had an air of intelligence about it. It covers a rough subject and it does so beautifully. My favorite part of the book had to be the last few chapters.

Right now I'm working on reading Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella and will start reading Project Jennifer by Jill Amy Rosenblatt once I'm done with Confessions. I'm not one to read multiple books at once. That just makes me mix up story lines and then I lose track of where I was in one book while I dove into another and I end up rereading chapters.

Well, that's my reading adventure in a nutshell.

I hope you all are enjoying this new year! Enjoy some new reads if you can.
Kt

Happy 2013!

Hello lovely readers!

Happy 2013! I hope you all enjoyed a safe and exciting New Years Eve!

2012 definitely had its ups and downs. One of my largest ups was being fortunate enough to get to travel for my education major to New Zealand. Let me repeat that for you all: New Zealand!! It was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. I am so fortunate to all the people there that helped me feel so welcome.

For the downs of 2012... I'd rather not focus on them. It's a new year and a new start. Everyone always says, "Happy New Year," and this year I resolve to do just that. Make this a happy new year.

There are so many things others have done that inspired me and I plan to follow in their footsteps. I want to spread kindness more than my frustration or angst. I want to feel good about myself and what I do. Overall, I want to be happy with 2013. I think that's doable.

It's been a long time since I posted on here. If you did or if you didn't have a fabulous 2012, let's resolve to make 2013 more fabulous. Let's spread kindness more than hate. Let's be happy - all of us!

Kindness every day,
Kt

Not Okay

I'm not okay.

The happiness I spoke about in my last post, that was stupid. I'm not happy. I may have moments of happiness, but I am not happy.

I don't cry much anymore. My heart doesn't tug when I think about him.

But I know I still love him.

Which sucks.

A couple of weeks ago he wanted an update - how was I doing? I told him I wasn't doing so well. It was coming up to a  month since we broke up and I was taking it pretty hard. I explained how my love with him was so much stronger than anything I've ever had before. His response struck me like a knife in the gut. He said the relationship meant more to me than it did to him.

Great.
Awesome.
I feel so much better now.
Except, no, I don't.

So now I'm trying to distance myself. No more hoping he'll text me back. No more checking Facebook to see if he's online. No more.

I absolutely HATE feeling this way. I hate that I wasn't what he needed. I hate that I feel left out. I hate that I can't think about anyone else.

Because I love him. Darn it all.

And that I can't control. Sorry there, buckaroo.

Kt

Still Dreaming

My tears aren't flowing as freely anymore.

I still hurt a bit when I hear, see, or mention things that remind me of him, but it's not as agonizing as it used to be.

I didn't even feel all that terrible yesterday when I didn't get to talk to him at all.

I'm getting used to this separation.

And I'm getting used to my happier self. I was happy with him, but in such a different way. I'm sharing my happiness, kindness, and love with my friends now instead of just with him. I'm glad I can put a smile on someones face with my goofy jokes or kind words. I'm reverting back to old habits, but many of them are good habits that I'm excited to have back in my life.

I still dream about him, though. Almost every night. Recently, they've been good dreams, though I had a few unpleasant ones as we finalized everything. Every now and then I long for him.

But I'm trying to build myself up. Trying to be strong and thankful for what I have.

A few things have helped me on the way. I have such wonderful friends that are willing to listen to my problems and comfort me with hugs and kind words. I have parents that worry about me and give me joy. I have a Pinterest account that lets me re-pin quotes that are inspirational and relevant to my current situation.

I'm seeing the beauty in the world again. I'm able to sing now without instantly tearing up.

I'm either getting used to being treated this way - as a distant friend - or am getting numb from all the emotions. I'm not over him. I still want him to see the mistake he made. But, as it has been pointed out to me, he is not budging with his decision. Although I have hopes and dreams for us there isn't anything I can do but be me. I'll be as me as I can be. I love certain parts of me and maybe he will too. If not, at least I'm remembering how to love myself.

I must admit that I'm scared of losing these feelings, even if all they do is hurt me. It means I still love someone. Love is something you don't fall into that often. I don't want to throw it over my shoulder and let it disappear so easily. I still miss him - I missed his sweatshirt yesterday when I was chilly. But I'm also not writing down all of my feelings anymore.

It's complicated. I'm trying to hold on and let go. I'll figure it out with time.

Right now, I'm just me.
Kt

It's Over

He talked to me this week. It was exactly a week since we last spoke. It wasn't very long - actually it was quite a short conversation, but we spoke. And he talked to me first. I was happy.

The next day I spoke to him. I had written a letter to him the night before explaining how I was feeling - how I perceived what happened, how I've grown, and that I'd like a chance at us again, but would be okay if we were just friends. I asked him to think about his decision in the letter - to not rush to a conclusion. As we spoke he asked if we could be friends. I told him we could, but that I'd like him to read this letter first. He did and said he'd get back to me.

That day I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I was happy. I sang songs we used to listen to together. It was a good day.



He wrote back to me today, two days later. He said he didn't feel that way about me anymore. We couldn't get back together.



I wanted to talk directly to him and ask one last time if he could try. The past encounters were all via internet or text. I needed to see him face to face. Not just to talk. I needed to see him because I missed this man I love so much. This was the longest we'd been apart. I at least wanted a hug.

I got three hugs. All asked for by me. But he complied, which makes it only slightly easier.

I got closure on some things. Things I didn't understand before about why we needed to part. Then, I told him how I felt. How I loved him so much. How I can't let it go. How this past week I've dreamt of him almost every night, something I never did when we were together. (Though, this past night I dreamt that we argued. I guess that was a sign...)

I reminded him of the feelings he used to have. Would he be opposed to trying again to see if those feelings came back?



Yes. Because he believes those feelings won't ever come back. They've gone. This relationship is done.



He wants me to wait another week to speak with him again. I'll see him at a basketball game next week and that will be the next time we talk.

I hate this. I thought I was getting better. I ripped off another part of my heart all by myself, by putting it out there.

This is the longest we haven't spoken since talking with each other last November. I miss him everyday. And I will continue to for quite some time.



I'm really thankful a friend was free and willing to listen as well as spend the day with me. We eventually changed topics and took my mind off the whole thing. Thank you so much for spending the day with me. I really appreciated you being there.



Now that I'm back at my apartment, it hit me again. Especially when I checked what was on tv - A Bug's Life. The movie we watched when he asked me if I'd like to go steady - extremely corny, I know, but it was the sweetest moment I could have asked for.

I'm so sorry this didn't work out. I wish you had told me when things weren't working. I wish you had told me exactly what you needed so I could have done something about it. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I still love you. I always will.

I'll get over this and be your friend. I trust you. I'm sorry these first few weeks of plain friendship will be difficult. As I said today, you've been a dear friend to me these past six months. I'm not going to let that go away.

I fought for you. I lost. Goodnight.
Kt

Let's Talk

All right.

I've been thinking.

I've been writing the past two weeks about how I've been feeling through this let's-work-it-out and breakup period. Yesterday evening I realized I felt like me again. I was having fun and just hanging out with my roommate without thoughts plauging my brain. During dinner I believe I crossed a bridge in the breakup process. I wrote about it last night for myself and I want to share it with you.

I miss him. In many ways. At first I missed the relationship part. But, after thinking about it and letting a little time pass, I really miss his friendship.

This guy is a great guy. He's funny and kind. We have a lot of similarities which is why we got along so well and ended up dating. And now I just miss hanging out with him.

We didn't get a lot of time to hang out as friends before we started dating. Not really. I'd like for us to hang out again and continue to learn about each other.

I still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm trying to move on. I'd be happy if we got back together, of course. I realized last night one of the reasons I'm not letting go is because we didn't make this breakup decision together. I thought when our relationship ended it would be mutual. It wasn't and I'm hurt. So there's a part of me that wants him to come back so we can continue the relationship until we've come to a mutual decision to part. But, the other part of me really misses his company.

I hate not talking to him. I need to push myself to wait a little longer so I feel more stable to talk without bringing up the past. But now I have to agree with him. These past six months were a blast. I had the most wonderful time. He was probably the most stable and greatest relationship I've had so far. Another reason it's hard for me to let go.

I want us to be friends. To talk to each other and have a good time. The hurting part of me kind of hopes that maybe the spark will ignite after some time as friends. The other part of me doesn't care. I miss him in both ways and am willing to be his friend.

I will always love him. Now I'm more willing to leave that relationship so we can move forward as wonderful friends. Maybe we could do some of the things we didn't get to do in our relationship as friends. In a group maybe, if by ourselves makes it feel to couple-esque.

I miss you. Please talk to me soon. Because if you don't, I likely will. Hahaha
Kt

Dwelling

I was playing my flute a moment ago - going through some pieces that might be good for next Sunday. My embrouchure was hurting (I haven't played for a month and a half), so I took a break. And started dwelling.

This week has been hard and hurtful and full of tears. I thought I was getting better as it went on. That I was toughening up and letting go. But I had a major breakdown last night. And it feels as if I'm back at the drawing board.

I need to let him go, but I don't want to. I've got too much hope and faith in us. I don't want it to end just yet.

I can't talk to anyone about it, though. I feel like a nuisance when I do. My roommate says if I love him I need to love him enough to let him go. My friend tells me not to talk to him and that time will heal me. My dad says it takes two to make a relationship. He said on Monday that he wasn't willing to put in the time.

I need to let him go.

...but I don't want to.

We'll be friends. I don't doubt that. We'd be great friends. I'm just not there yet. I don't want to be friends right now. I want to be us.

And I'm scared that he doesn't even care. Doesn't think much of it. When he said he thinks of me as a friend that means he's over it all, right? ...no. But I feel like a cat left out in the rain. Soaked, cold, and confused. Why won't you talk to me? Why can't this be okay? Why? What did I do?

I have a million ideas of what I did to push him away. And they're things I'm willing to work on. I would better myself if it meant we could be us again.

But we won't be us again, will we? ...no. I don't think so.

No matter how hard I hope, pray, and wish for him to come back he probably won't.

I need to let him go.
Kt

Summer Blues

I am having a tough summer.

I haven't been posting on here because I was busy with school and with having a life. I had a life for a moment there! It was wonderful...but it's over.

The boy I'd been dating the past 6 months broke up with me yesterday. It's a complicated mess, but I knew the relationship wasn't working in his eyes. We tried to work on it, but he gave in. He let it go. And I'm heartbroken.

It sucks even more that I haven't dated someone for 3 1/2 years and have slightly forgotten how to grieve over this properly. I want him to be here and tell me it'll be okay. Hug me and stroke my hair while I cry. I love him and will miss him so much. Miss us so much.

I wasn't ready for this to end. I really wanted it to work.

It's been a rough summer.

I'm also unemployed. This has been the first time I've had real trouble finding a job. So I feel awful purchasing anything beyond groceries and gas.

At least we, the guy I was dating and myself, are now saving money. We don't have to pay for each other anymore.

But I loved that. I loved sharing time, popcorn, and me with him.

I wish so many things were different.

I was a mess the past month in this relationship. I was insecure and struggling with how he felt, how we were doing.

I wish our differences didn't push us apart. I wish he could look past mine like I do his.

But it's no use. He's done with it. And likely tired of me trying to make it work.

I just can't stop picturing us together and happy. Snuggled. Smiling. Laughing. Happy.

It's going to take a bit of time to get over it. And a lot of it is because I loved you. I loved you so much. I still do.

I said I would always love him and I will. I just need to let the relationship feelings go and focus on a friendship love.

It hurts.

I'm having a rough summer. And summer's only just begun.
Kt

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm so happy I get a chance to see my friends and family over the holidays. I know many people out there may be alone this holiday season or be suffering financially, but it helps me to know that there is always someone out there who cares about them and loves them no matter what - be it a distant family member, a nearby shopkeeper, or an angel watching over them (like Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life). Have a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays from my house to yours.

Kt

P.S. If you weren't sure of what to get someone and ended up not giving them a gift, you can always donate to an organization that helps others. A gift from the heart will always trump a material gift.

Things That Have Come And Gone

Hello everyone!

Here's a list of things that have come and gone since I last posted:

• My senior recital: It went pretty well - at least I thought it went pretty well. The bumps from my dress rehearsal weren't there and I wasn't too nervous. Unfortunately, I didn't sing "full voiced" and my professor picked up on that. Bummer when you get a B on something you work so hard on.
• The fall semester: This is my last fall semester at my college. Marching band is ending (though we're bowl bound - WOO!), my senior recital is finished, and it looks like I might (cross your fingers!) end up with all A's this semester! Oh, and I'm dating somebody which is a pretty great present for the holidays.
• My December Glamour issue: I was so ridiculously behind in reading my magazine! I finally finished it during finals week (I was done with my finals, of course) after I received the January issue in the mail. Oh well - it was a great issue!
• My fear of alcohol: Okay, this would take much explaining so I'll summarize it to the best of my ability. College scared the begeezes out of me as a freshman - i.e. I wasn't expecting to see so many of my school mates being irresponsible. I eventually grew to accepting my "it's-your-life-so-you-can-do-with-it-what-you-want" policy, but I still steered away from drinking myself. I was under age! That's against the law!!! Yes, I know I'm a goody-two shoes. Well, I'm old enough to drink, and have been for quite some time, so I'm getting a chance to really try things out. I was timid at first, but I've been to the bars and parties and have found my tolerance is pretty high. I'm careful and cautious and I think that's the best I can do for myself.
• Christmas lights!: I put Christmas lights up on the deck of our apartment for the first time (we've lived in the same place for two years). I'm so happy I did! They jump started my Christmas spirit, even though I'm still kind of waiting for the full Christmas mood to kick in. Um, it's in less than a week...let's get the Christmas spirit started!!!

This will be a shopping week for me. With all of the school things that have been going on I haven't had much of a chance to shop for Christmas presents. I'll be driving and spending money out the wazoo.

I hate how I'll find something I really like before Christmas, but not dare buy it for myself because someone may get me something similar - you never know! And then, once Christmas is over, I'll think, "I really wanted to get such-and-such, but I've already got so many things... I'll just not get it/That's a waste of money/blah blah blah." If you like it, get it! Geez. It's just nail polish/a purse/stuff! You've got gift cards - use them for the purchase! Oy, I need to feel better about spending money. I also need to work on saying, "Oy" less...

Well, I hope you all have finished your finals (if you're in school) and are home for the holidays! Drink some hot chocolate, spend time with your friends and family, and don't forget to give! Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, please remember to be kind to each other and give a gift of love and hope to friends, family, and passers-by. It will warm their heart as well as yours!

I hope to write you all again soon! Happy Holidays!
Kt

Nervous/Worried/LET'S DO THIS!

Hello everyone!

It's nearing the end of the semester and all the end of the year projects are starting to pile up. The big one that's "due" today? ...My senior recital.

I had my dress rehearsal last night. During the day I was actually feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing. I felt like I knew my music well and that it would be fine. Well, that dress rehearsal had quite a few...bumps...to put it nicely. Now I'm scared, worried, nervous, and losing my appetite. I'm surprised I could eat my breakfast.

I want/wish/pray for tonight to go smoothly. I want/wish/pray to be relaxed and focus on making music instead of what notes I sing, what words I sing, and what dynamics/articulations I sing.

Please let this go well. I don't want to break down in tears like I did yesterday.

Send me good relaxation vibes!
Kt

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for so many things - the opportunity to go to college and really study something I love, my friends and family, a warm bed at night. For all those out there that are not as fortunate, I am praying for you today. I pray that you will go to bed with a full stomach, be with your friends and families, and feel loved and cared for. I hope that my little prayer will reach some of you out there and will warm your hearts.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Eat some turkey, green bean casseroles, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie! I know I will!

Kt

Not Tired!

Hello everyone!

I hope some of you are already home for the holidays or in the not too distant future are going to be with your families. I am currently sitting in my bed at home wondering why I am not tired. It's almost 1 a.m. for goodness' sake!

Well, these past few days have been a lazy blur. I've been in the most least productive mood. No matter how many times I pull up an assignment to work on I just can't seem to push myself to do it. I think my body and brain need a break from it all (which is kind of what I've done for the past two days). I've sat, watched t.v., caught up on some blogs - pretty much done nothing. And although I hate days like that (where I feel unproductive) I feel like I'm recharging. I went to the gym this past morning and had so much energy I didn't want to stop working out! That is, until the congestion from my cold kicked in and I started feeling a little woozy and sick. Yeah, it's time to get some water and walk away.

Tomorrow I'll be heading with a friend to Lush! Neither of us have been and we tried to go last year, but (probably due to my horrible great luck) it was closed for renovations. Shows how important it is to call ahead and check I suppose. I plan on bringing along my recital dress so I can look for some flats to go with it...not in Lush, silly, in a shoe store! My recital is coming up so quickly and I know I won't want to sing in high heels - it's just not natural for me, being as tall as I am. I'm hoping to find some that will not be too expensive, but will be comfortable and go quite well with the dress. Worse comes to worse I have some high heels that would go well with it, but I'd prefer to not go there.

Ramble, ramble, ramble, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Maybe I'll find something good on t.v. that will put me to sleep. Wait a minute, that's a horrible idea! If I find something good on I'll stay up to watch it. So...I should put an infomercial on? Oy, I don't know. I'll probably look for something good, watch it for a while, and eventually fall asleep no matter how interesting it is. Man, I wish I hadn't lost my lip balm in my bed last night.

Well, I hope this suffices for an interesting read. I'll probably chuckle at it when I read it later.

Send me sleepy vibes!
Kt

Gosh-Golly-Miss-Molly Stressed

Hello everyone!

I. am. stressed. Like, Gosh-Golly-Miss-Molly stressed.

My senior recital is coming up fast. It's starting to sink in how close it is and how unprepared I am. Holy fish, do I have a lot to get done. I really need to get a move on memorizing my music and, you know, practicing my butt off. Tonight I was productive in practicing and preparing, but I'm still a bit nervous.

Honestly, I don't have much else to say right now. I need to hit the hay so I can get up and continue preparing.

I'll write you all again soon.
Kt

Ramble #3?

Hello all!

I've just put all my laundry away, cleaned up a portion of my room, and am now sitting on my bed relaxing. Um...what happened to all that oomph I had to do my homework?!

Well, darn.

I need to make a list of all I need to do tomorrow - it shouldn't be a lazy day for me. I really need to kick everything up a notch. With all the craziness that has been going on I've just put some things on hold for a few days and it's really catching up with me. I hate being behind! Reading for class isn't one of my favorite past times and now I've got more to read than I'd like all because I was taking a breather. Arg. Hmph. Grr.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

It's getting late. I'm going to make a list while my roommate takes her shower and then I'll get ready for bed. I need to start getting ready for bed earlier. I've recently been timing my want to get ready for bed as soon as my roommate decides to take a shower. Not so smart, huh?

I'm on a ramble. Well, I'm just needing to talk and at times just writing things down or even thinking things to myself allows me to vent. Maybe vent isn't the right word. Oh well. I'm feeling very childish - like I act too childish for my age. I can't decide if that's good - it's very much a fun, bubbly part of who I am and closely relates to my education major - or bad - uh, you're old so grow up. I'm not that old, but I feel...Bah! Whatever. My roommate just got out of the shower, so the ramble stops now.

Listening to The Fix is In by Ok Go,
Kt

I'll write you again soon.

Baby, It's Cold Out There

Hello everyone!

I'm extremely excited - it's finally getting colder and acting like fall! The tree's have been giving me a taste of fall with their leaves slowly changing from green to red, but the temperature had yet to significantly drop. Today I will be sporting a nice sweater to keep me warm. Ooooo, I'm so excited!!!!

I also thought I'd share a new plant with you guys. I've now got an orchid! One of my friends back home gave it to me as a sympathy present. It's beautiful, but testy. One of the blooms has been wilting and I only just found out yesterday that after you water them you have to remove the excess water at the bottom of the plant so it doesn't drown! I've never had an orchid before, so this will be an experience. Mr. Bamboo, however, is doing just fine.

I'm currently typing to you all while watching Pregnant in Heels. Some of these women are driving me nuts! I'm sorry, but when you are pregnant and about to have a baby you should know and be prepared to change a diaper and feed them. Geez, Louise.

All right, I should really start getting ready for the day. I will write you all again soon!
Kt

Never A Lazy Moment

Hello again!

I know, right?!? Two posts in a row? It's like I'm starting to get back into the swing of it all!

I got up this morning at about the same time I do every morning, but today I don't have class for a "long" time (a few hours, at least). I was thinking about the things I could do - get groceries, wash the dishes, buy a new belt (the one I was wearing  yesterday practically disintegrated. Rest in peace little pants-holder-upper-buddy), return the recycling...the list could go on and on. However, what is my first instinct to do with all this time? Youtube! Oy.

I pack my life with so much to do and so many activities to participate in that I don't leave a lot of room for myself to relax. So, whenever I do get a free second I tend to turn into lazy Kt who wants nothing more than a candle burning, a good movie on t.v., or an hour to watch some makeup tutorials on Youtube. Not too much to ask, right? Well, unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I have other things I should get done instead of relaxing. Psh, I'll relax when I'm retired...maybe.

And I always feel better if I get a lot of things done rather than waste the day away. Doing nothing makes me feel like a bum and I hate, hate, hate that feeling. Getting things done makes me feel like I accomplished something, I made a dent in my never ending to do list.

So, I will use this extra morning time to get ready and get some things done. No wasting time today. Let's be productive!

Kt

P.S. I had a pretty yummy breakfast this morning and I think you all should try it if you can! I made some oatmeal, added about a spoonful of pumpkin puree, a dash of pumpkin pie spice, and a little bit of sugar. Delicious! You have to really like pumpkin though as it is VERY pumpkin-y.